Life and Love and Why
by friendofSirDidymus
Summary: Set after 4x15. Caroline breaks down and things have to change. Will be mostly Caroline/Bonnie/Rebekah and Caroline/Stefan/Damon friendships with potential Daroline/Klaroline in later chapters.
1. All that's left of me

I don't own the Vampire Diaries. This is my first attempt at writing fanfiction, so please be kind!

Fic title is the name of a Switchfoot song. Chapter title from the Kelly Clarkson song, 'Behind these hazel eyes'.

* * *

"_Now all that's left of me, is what I pretend to be – so together, but so broken up inside._

_'Cause I can't breathe, and I can't sleep, I'm barely hanging on ..."_

Chapter 1 – All that's left of me

Caroline was sat on the porch swing, legs tucked underneath her and eyes distant, when her mother pulled up in the driveway. It was about an hour before dawn and she wasn't expected home for hours. Liz got out of the car, looking exhausted. With all the supernatural drama, Caroline sometimes forgot that her mother also had to deal with the human crimes committed in Mystic Falls too.

There had been a number of burglaries in the area recently, and the most recent had ended in tragedy when the home-owner disturbed the robber and ended up in hospital with four stab wounds from one of their own kitchen knives. Liz had just come from taking her statement at the hospital and offered Caroline a tired smile as she climbed the steps to the door.

"You weren't waiting up for me, were you sweetheart? I'm only back for a nap and then I have to go back out to the Miller house and check the scene's secure."

"No, don't worry. I was just thinking out here, that's all."

"At 5am? Must be serious. Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's fine, Mom. Go sleep."

Caroline didn't look up, just continued to look across the street, staring into space. Liz frowned, concerned at the unusual lack of reaction from her normally talkative daughter. "Okay, if you're sure. Night, sweetheart."

"Night, Mom."

Liz let herself into the house and headed for her bedroom. She paused at Caroline's open bedroom door, noticing a folded sheet of paper on her bed that was out of place in her daughter's normally impeccably tidy room. She paused in the doorway, weighing her daughter's privacy against the little voice telling her to check if Klaus had left her daughter another 'gift'. Her protective instinct won out and she crossed the room to scoop up the paper, Caroline's ring dropping to the bedspread from inside the fold as she did.

She picked up the ring, confused, as she knew Caroline never took it off. Daylight rings weren't exactly readily available, after all. Unfolding the paper, she was surprised to see it was addressed to her. Skimming the first few sentences, her hand flew to her mouth to stifle her cry of surprise.

_Mom,_

_I love you, _so_ much, but I can't do this anymore. I can't be here in this town, where everything reminds me of what I've lost. The only thing I see in my future here is more pain, and I may be __a coward for this but I can't face it. Because of what I am, my future could be a really long time, __maybe even forever, and forever is far too long to be alone._

_You and Daddy were right. I shouldn't be alive like this. Caroline Forbes, your daughter, died in __that hospital bed three years ago, and she should have stayed dead. So, I'm just rectifying that __mistake._

_I'm so sorry – the thought of leaving you alone is the only thing that's stopped me until now, but __you are so much stronger than me – you'll get over this. I just can't cope with this pain any more, __Mom. The enhanced emotions make everything so much more intense and it's too much._

_I love you forever,_

_Caroline x_

Liz sat on Caroline's bed, absorbing the shock and swallowing the terror she felt at the thought of losing her only child. She came to terms with Caroline's undead status a long time ago, and was even a little relieved that she was less … breakable … than before, especially considering the dangers of the town they lived in. She had thought that their relationship was better than it had been in years, but she was hurt that her daughter hadn't felt that she could talk to her about her problems.

Not for the first time, she regretted burying herself in work after the divorce. She knew a lot of Caroline's insecurities were from that time, and hated herself for making her daughter feel that way. She also wished she's discussed what had happened with Bill more with Caroline, but with his death and then the hastily arranged funeral … it just never seemed the time, and Caroline had seemed to bounce back to almost her normal self, just like she always did.

Turning her letter over in her hands, she wondered just how much of the face her daughter presented to the world was a mask. Clearly, more than she'd thought.

Her sheriff-trained brain came up with and discarded a dozen plans in the space of about a minute, and she quickly made a decision. She was going to need help – unless she wanted to lose her daughter forever, she needed to handle this carefully.

She went into the kitchen and poured two mugs of coffee, taking both outside and handing one to her bemused daughter, who tensed slightly. Liz sat down and took a sip of her own coffee, leaning her head back and closing her eyes.

"I can't sleep, my brain won't switch off."

Caroline relaxed, "So, coffee as sleep-replacement, then?"

"As always." Liz smiled and turned a little to face her daughter.

"I love you, sweetie. I hope you know that."

"I love you too, Mom." she replied, a little confused, and then she felt the tell-tale prick of vervain in her thigh, followed by the burn she was all too familiar with.

Shocked, she turned betrayed eyes on her mother "Mom, what –" and then her world went black.


	2. When all the damage is done

I don't own the Vampire Diaries.

Chapter title from the Alisha's Attic song, 'Push it all aside.'

* * *

"_It gets harder every time, we've both crossed the invisible line..._

_We're broken, who's gonna fix us, and put us back together again?"_

Chapter 2 – When all the damage is done

Liz pulled out her phone and dialled, waiting impatiently for the call to connect.

A sleepy voice answered "Sheriff Forbes? Is something wrong?"

"Sorry to call so early but I need your help, it's important. Can you come over?"

"I'm on my way."

* * *

Liz had given Caroline a big enough dose of vervain to keep her out for a few hours, and had moved her in from the porch to lay her on the couch in the living room, resting her head in her lap. She slid her daylight ring back onto her finger and smoothed her hair back, thinking furiously. She needed a plan, or she'd have to dose her again to buy herself a day to work out what the hell to do.

She called in to the station to let them know she wasn't coming back in for at least the rest of the day and to ask one of the deputies to take over. For once, she was putting her daughter first, like she should have been all along. Maybe if she had, she wouldn't be in this situation.

She was pulled out of her thoughts by a tentative knock on the door.

"It's open!" she called, not willing to get up and move Caroline's head from where it rested on her lap. The door opened and Bonnie walked in, starting when she saw Caroline unconscious on Liz's knee.

"What happened?" she blurted, "Is she okay?" She saw the worry and indecision on the sheriff's face as she bit her lip and considered her words carefully.

"She's not injured, Bonnie. She's been vervained."

"By who? Was it Klaus? Why would he –" Liz cut her off.

"No, it wasn't Klaus. Bonnie, please sit down. This isn't easy for me to say, and I need you to stay calm. I need to know if you'll help me to protect Caroline."

"Of course. She's my best friend. We've had our issues lately, and with everything going on with Silas, and Elena, I haven't been able to spend much time with her, but you know I love her, so … what do you need? Wait … if it wasn't Klaus, who was it?"

"It was me." She passed Caroline's letter over to Bonnie, who scanned it quickly before looking at her in disbelief, the beginning of tears collecting in her lashes. "When I asked if you would help me protect Caroline, I meant even from herself. Can you do that?"

"I, uh. I don't know what to say to this, Sheriff Forbes. I didn't even know she felt like this, she never said …" she let the words trail off, looking pensive. Liz let her work out what she wanted to say. Bonnie looked straight at her, guilt plain on her face. "Elena's struggling with turning her emotions back on, so I've been a bit absorbed with that, and I've been having a hard time myself, letting go of Jeremy and dealing with everything … I ... I saw I had a few missed calls from Caroline and ... I didn't call her back. I figured she'd call again or send a message if it was important. I never thought ..."

"Bonnie, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. _No one _noticed. _I _didn't notice and I'm her _mother._ We need to work out how to help her _now_."

"I'm in. I can't lose Caroline too. What did you have in mind?"

"I need a way to stop her trying to hurt herself at least long enough to get her to listen to me, and then maybe some help keeping an eye on her? I don't want to use more vervain if I don't have to, I don't want to hurt her. I need an alternative. I just think if I can get her to talk to me, I can talk her out of this. It's the heightened emotions controlling her right now, and I think she feels like she can't see any other way out. It's the only explanation I have, unless I've missed something huge."

"No, that's probably right – this is way out of character for Caroline, she never lets stuff get her down. At least she hasn't switched her emotions off like Elena, that would be a disaster. Why didn't you ask Stefan or Damon to keep her in the cell at the boarding house and talk to her there?"

"I don't want them involved. I see Damon as a friend, but he and Caroline … they have history."

Bonnie snorted at that, "_Understatement." _Liz glanced at her curiously. "Sorry."

"Anyway," Liz continued, "Stefan … I know he and Caroline are friends, but he's been leaning on her a lot lately, so I don't think he's in any state to support _her_ right now. And he's been focused on the Elena situation. I know he cares about Caroline, but Elena has always been his priority."

"You could really say the same about me though. We've all let her down. I sometimes forget how much she's been through, and I don't even think I know about all of it! She's always seemed so strong in spite of it though. She really changed when she became a vampire, and although I wasn't happy about it at first, I think it was a good thing for her."

"I think she felt strong because she had Tyler to rely on for support. He gave her someone else to focus on and she knows he loves her. Because of what he is, he helped ease her worries about living forever too because she thought she wouldn't be alone. I think that's a big part of what has her so terrified now."

"I know you don't want to tell the Salvatore's," Bonnie said tentatively, "but I think the cell is probably the easiest way to keep her in one place long enough for a conversation." A thought occurred to her and she paused, "Wait, what about the council cells, where Elena put Stefan to dry out?"

The sheriff shook her head. "No, that's where Bill kept her. The last thing we need is to bring up those memories right now – it would only make her remember being tortured." She noticed Bonnie's wide-eyed look. "You didn't know about that?" she said, surprised.

"No. What? I knew he found out what she was and she was upset about some things he'd said, but that he _tortured _her? What the … what even happened? And why didn't I know about this?"

"I don't know, Bonnie. I thought she would have talked to you about it, as she certainly didn't talk to me."

"What exactly happened?"

"As far as I know, she was leaving Tyler's and Carol shot her with a vervain dart. She woke up in the council cells. Bill had her fastened to a chair and pumped vervain gas into the cell, deprived her of blood, and burned her with sunlight to make her fight off the bloodlust. He wanted her to learn to survive without blood and threatened to stake her."

"But … Caroline drinks from blood bags. She doesn't hurt anyone and she has great control, especially since she's still so new. _Stefan _isn't even as controlled as Caroline! Why would he do that?"

"I know, trust me, I know, but it's how we were all brought up, Bonnie. We were taught that vampires were abominations with no connection to the person they were before they died, and that all they wanted was blood. I don't agree with what he did, by any means, but I understand it to some degree."

"What happened then?"

"When Tyler realised what his mother had done, it was nearly dark on the full moon. He took Carol to the Lockwood cellar and she saw him transform. She agreed to help Caroline after that, and he called me. We went to get her, and after seeing how weak she was, covered in burns and her own blood … I've never been so tempted to shoot someone as I was right then."

Bonnie was in tears at the thought of what Caroline had gone through.

"Oh my god, poor Caroline – she forgave him anyway, didn't she? I know how hurt she was when he refused to transition, but I don't think I really understood it until I was in the same position with Abby. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to be there for me so soon after he died, but she stayed, and she looked after me, and then she helped Abby with the transition, and training … why didn't she tell me and let me be there for her too? Stefan was the one to tell me and Elena when she was captured by the werewolves – "

"What?! When did that happen?" Liz gasped.

It was Bonnie's turn to be surprised. "You didn't know about that? It was before Klaus came to town. Mason Lockwood's pack was looking for revenge on the Salvatore's for killing Mason, and Caroline got caught in the crossfire. Again."

"I'm starting to think there's a lot of things going on with my daughter that I don't know about. I'd ask you to tell me all the details, but I think I should ask Caroline."

"Good idea." Bonnie agreed. "So, considering her past experiences, the cells are a definite no. I'd suggest something like the tomb spell, but … um ..." she trailed off and took a deep breath. "I've been avoiding magic since we took down Silas." she confessed. "I don't have control – and using expression nearly killed me. The spirits won't help me anymore, either."

"It's okay, Bonnie. I didn't call you for your magic, no offense. I called you because, along with Elena, you and my daughter have been friends practically since you were toddlers, and you know her as well as I do - maybe better."

"You didn't call Elena?"

"I don't think she would be much help with her emotions switched off. To be honest, Caroline is my priority, and as much as I love her, Elena always seems to end up being the focus of everything, whether she intends to or not. I want to keep her out of this."

"I guess I can understand that." Bonnie said slowly, "I think I have an idea. We could take Caroline to my Grams' house. It has a converted basement, she used to use it for her consulting so it's comfortable and there's only one door and no windows. Do you think that would work?"

"That sounds perfect, actually."

"Do you want me to be there when you talk to her?"

"If you're happy to stay, I'd appreciate it. If she won't talk to me, maybe she'll talk to you. I'm going to take the week off work and turn off my phone. I need to spend time with Caroline right now. I just hope it's not too little, too late."

"Don't think like that, we'll talk some sense into her." Bonnie spoke with a confidence she wasn't sure she felt.

"I just need her to talk to me." Liz sighed.


	3. Till we leave this behind

I don't own the Vampire Diaries.

This chapter is dedicated to _LaLaALa521. _Thanks for the review.

Chapter title from the Goo Goo Dolls song, 'Before it's too late.'

* * *

"_Hold on before it's too late. We'll run till we leave this behind."_

Chapter 3 – Till we leave this behind

Caroline stirred, body aching from from the vervain, and kept her eyes closed while she assessed herself for injuries. Other than the residual burn of her least favourite herb, nothing else seemed wrong – no gunshot wounds, sunlight burns or stab wounds. She hadn't been staked, and a slight movement of her hand confirmed that she wasn't tied up and her ring was back on her finger. _What the hell is going on?_ She was lying on something soft and surprisingly comfortable. Not her average kidnapping, then.

"You might as well open your eyes, Caroline. I know you're awake, and we need to talk."

_Uh oh. _Caroline recognised both the voice and the tone. _Guess I'm in trouble. _She opened her eyes and sat up, looking around curiously. She was on a low couch in a room she'd never seen before and her Mom was sat in a chair, facing her. She could see she had been crying and her heart clenched.

"Care to explain this, Caroline?" she said, holding up her letter. _Damn._

Caroline gulped. "You weren't supposed to see that. Not unless –"

Liz interrupted, heatedly asking "Unless what Caroline? Unless it was too late to stop you? Unless you _burned in the sun?"_ Her voice broke and her eyes filled with tears.

"Stop! You don't know the full story, okay? You don't understand!"

"So explain it to me! Because I cannot get my head around the thought that my beautiful, sweet, strong, independent daughter wanted to _end her own life_!"

"I hadn't decided!" she blurted out. "I _told_ you I was out there thinking, and I was! I was trying to make a decision, and I probably would have been asleep in my bed when you came home, if you hadn't been so early! I've been on that porch _every night_ since Tyler left, weighing the same decision, and I've always talked myself out of it before dawn! I only wrote the letter in case I couldn't … I didn't want you to have to wonder. Every day it's just got harder and harder to leave the porch and face the day, but I've done it. I've pasted a smile on my face and carried on like everything's fine and I'm not broken. I've tried to look after Elena, tried to help Bonnie, tried to forget that Tyler _left_ me, tried to stop Klaus from going all homicidal. I've been a shoulder for Stefan, and I've tried to stay so busy that I don't give myself a free moment just to _think_ because when I do everything comes crashing in on me and I can't _breathe!_"

She paused, breathing deeply to calm herself and continued in a steadier voice, "I wrote the stupid letter because I wanted you to know what happened in case I wasn't strong enough to talk myself out of it. You weren't supposed to see it, and neither was Bonnie." She glanced at the stairwell, where Bonnie had been sat listening, out of her eye line. "I _know_ you're there, Bon. Vampire, remember?"

She sighed as Bonnie came in and sat down next to her, looking guilty.

"Well, we have seen it, Care. We can't _un-_see it now. Why didn't you tell us – or _anyone_ – how you were feeling?"

"I was embarrassed that I couldn't cope. I wanted to be strong for everyone but ... it just got too hard." She decided to be painfully honest. "I just feel like such a failure."

"You aren't a failure, Caroline." Liz said quietly, with feeling.

"But I feel like one, Mom!" she burst out. "I can't protect my friends, I can't even protect myself! Hell, in the past three years I've been an unwilling blood donor, bitten and compelled; hospitalised in a car accident, suffocated, and _killed;_ turned into a vampire; made to kill a _bunny_; tortured by werewolves; kidnapped more than once; nearly sacrificed to break a curse; _bitten_ by a werewolf; _tortured – _by Alaric, by hybrids, by my_ father, _and then hunted by the council! My best friends are a witch and two vampires, and my hybrid boyfriend skipped town to avoid the Original hybrid who's going to kill him, and who _bit_ _me_ to teach _Tyler_ a lesson – even though he has some weird crush on me!"

Liz and Bonnie gaped at her. That was a _lot. _Bonnie hadn't known about the bite, and she made a mental note to ask about that later, but there was no way she was interrupting Caroline now. She clearly needed to get some things off her chest.

"That isn't even the worst though! On top of all of that there's just been so much death. Daddy, Alaric, Mrs. Lockwood, Jenna, Vicki, _Jeremy! _These are people I loved, cared about, grew up with, _babysat!_ It hurts, every day, and I can't just grieve for them because the drama never ends! Everything in this town reminds me of someone who is gone, and it's getting to the point where I don't want to leave the house just so I can avoid the memories, which makes me feel pathetic!"

She was building up steam again, her voice getting louder as she got up to pace back and forth in front of the couch, gesturing wildly for emphasis.

"Then there's the whole Tyler drama! He keeps _leaving _me! This is the _third _time! He didn't even ask me to go with him! I want him to be safe, obviously, I _love_ him, but I can't _be here_ without him. I'm mad at him and I miss him all the time and I don't want Klaus to kill him!"

Bonnie and Liz exchanged a look, wide-eyed. It was as if a dam had burst and everything Caroline had been keeping bottled up was spilling out of her mouth with little to no input from her brain.

"And _Klaus! _That's a whole other _boatload_ of confusing! He told Tyler to bite me, then saved me, comes to rescue me from Alaric, sends me beautiful drawings and gave me a designer dress and a diamond-freaking-bracelet and asked me to a _ball! _What?!_ Who does that?!"_

"Then when the Council took me, he came to my rescue, and he kisses me and it's all intense but he's in Tyler's body and I didn't know it was him! How is that not _insane? _And it's not like I can even _avoid_ him, because he's somehow convinced himself that he's, like, in _love_ with me, and everyone keeps making me use that against him and it's cruel and I hate it! Not to mention, do you _know_ how easily he could kill me? He isn't the most stable of people for crying out loud!"

"Then sometimes, he's so charming and he tells me something about his past and I just want to hug him because he's so damaged – I mean, his parents tried to kill him. I can relate."

Liz looked uncomfortable and Bonnie shot her a sympathetic glance but Caroline still wasn't done.

"And then Elena thinks it's _such a fantastic idea_ to have Jeremy kill Kol to complete his hunters mark to find some mystical miracle cure for vampirism because she just can't cope with this life we share now, even with a hundred times more support and help than I had when I turned – at least she _knew _about vampires before she _woke up as one and bit a nurse! - _and everyone has to help her with it and doesn't consider even for a second how _I _might feel about that when _no-one_ did that for me? Then of course, as Elena's genius plans often do, it blew up in her face and_ I_ ended up suffering for it!"

Bonnie looked confused. "What do you mean?"

Caroline looked startled, as if she'd forgotten her audience. She visibly calmed and sat back down, turning to face Bonnie as she thought through her answer.

"When Klaus was trapped in Elena's house, Tyler went to … well … gloat, thinking we'd get the cure and he could kill him. I tried to convince him to leave but he wouldn't, so I started cleaning up and Klaus tried to talk to me, wanting me to get you to let him out. I told him I would never help him and ..." she hesitated, biting her lip.

"What did he do?" Liz asked, voice hoarse with emotion as she watched Caroline flinch at remembered pain.

"He stabbed me with a floor lamp and bit me on the neck."

Two sharp intakes of breath followed this statement and she smiled without humour.

"Tyler asked him to save me, he _begged _him, and he refused, so we left because I couldn't stay there after that. I was so scared."

"Well, you're still here, so something obviously changed his mind. What happened after that?" Bonnie asked, still shocked that this had happened and Caroline had said _nothing._

"I don't really know. I was really out of it, but I remember Tyler asked me if I trusted him and because I was in _so_ much pain, I thought he'd stake me to end it, so I said I did. He took me back to Klaus and put me on the floor, telling him he couldn't watch me die so my life was in his hands now and then he left."

"What!" Liz yelled, "He just _left _you there?"

"He thought Klaus would cure me if he wasn't there, I guess? I talked to Klaus a little, but I don't know if what I said is what changed his mind. He gave me his blood, but it was at the last possible second. I'd accepted that I was going to die and made my peace with it ... and then I woke up in his arms with his blood in my mouth."

"What did you do?"

"Aside from panic?" she asked, dryly.

"Yeah, aside from that." Bonnie replied, amused.

"Didn't really have time to think about it because I got the call from Elena to say you and Jeremy were missing and they needed help translating the spell to try to find you – and the cure. I left to find the sword without really talking about anything that had happened. When I went back, with Tyler and the sword, he even helped with the translation. It was … odd. Then he told Rebekah there was only one dose of the cure and everyone freaked the hell out."

She looked a little lost and her eyes were distant as she remembered the events of that evening.

"We realised quickly that with only one dose of the cure if we didn't use it against Klaus he'd kill Tyler and come after everyone involved in killing Kol. Tyler was going to go straight away and try to get as far away as possible, but I suggested I talk to Klaus first, try to reason with him. I thought I'd persuaded him to let him live, I asked him to show me he was capable of mercy, of compassion … I forgot who I was talking to I guess." She sighed again, absently noting she was doing that a lot lately. "He said he would show him mercy for my sake and I was so relieved …"

Bonnie looked sceptical. "Really?" she asked, doubtfully.

"Yeah, then he clarified that it was the mercy of a _head start_ before he killed him."

"Oh, Caroline." her Mom looked at her sympathetically. "I'm sorry, honey."

"Me too." She murmured. "So Tyler and I said our goodbyes. We said it wasn't forever, only until we find a way, but really? How are we going to find a way around _this_? He's gone forever and I'm alone. I can't deal with _forever_ all alone. He hasn't even called. The only contact I've had with him is with his voicemail. I had to tell his _voicemail_ about Jeremy!"

Her eyes filled with tears and she put her head in her hands, letting her blonde curls fall and hide her from view. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do with all this _emotion_. It just doesn't _stop. _Stefan told me about the enhanced emotion for vampires when I first turned but this is ridiculous! I can't stay here, I can't do it! It's just too much!" and she broke down, sobbing as the tears ran down her cheeks.

Bonnie moved to put a hand on her shoulder as Liz moved to her other side and put her arm around her.

"I know, sweetie," she soothed "It's been hard for me too, losing Jeremy was the last straw. I feel the same way about Mystic Falls, and to be honest I've been considering leaving. The only reason I've stayed is for you and Elena."

Caroline looked up shocked at that. "Really? Where were you going to go?"

"I don't know – I hadn't really thought any further than 'away' to be honest." She hesitated, "Please don't let yourself get to this point again, Care, I can't lose you too, okay? I know I haven't been around and you'll never know how sorry I am about that."

"It's not your fault, Bon, or yours Mom, I'm ... I just … everything got on top of me and … I couldn't really see a way out."

Liz had been quiet, thinking through all the bombshells Caroline had dropped, and considering Bonnie's confession. "Would you have gone with Tyler, if he'd asked?" she asked Caroline curiously.

"I don't know. He's probably headed back to one of the werewolf packs, and that wouldn't be safe for me, and to be honest I'm kind of mad at him. I can't decide if I'm more pissed that he left me, _again_, or pissed that he left me with Klaus when I was _dying._"

"But you said he thought Klaus would cure you – " Liz pointed out, confused.

"It was a long shot, Mom. You didn't see him, _I _didn't think he'd save me. If he hadn't, my last moments would have been with the man who _murdered _me, instead of the man I love who claims to love me. I love Tyler, and yeah, it worked out but what if it hadn't? I'm allowed to be mad about that! But we never really got to talk it out because he had to leave and go on the run!" she was almost shouting now.

Thinking this over, Liz asked "Was it leaving in general, or leaving with Tyler, that you had issues with?"

Caroline looked confused, wondering where her mother was going with this. "Leaving with Tyler I guess, I had a good idea of where he was going to go, like I said, and we have some issues to work out. And then I didn't want to leave you, and Bonnie, Elena and Matt."

"Hear me out," Liz started, hesitantly, "I have an idea, but I don't know what you'll think of it."

"What is it?"

"I think you need to get out of this town." she stated, "At least for a while, if not permanently. Bonnie, you already said you've been considering leaving, so why don't you go together? You could even ask Elena, maybe see if she would turn her emotions on if you can get her away from here? Like you said Caroline, this place is full of horrible memories for all of you, and I want you to be happy. If leaving can do that, it must be worth a try, right?"

Caroline looked torn, but Bonnie regarded the sheriff, considering.

"But … what about you? I don't want to leave you, Mom, not when we've started getting on better..."

"I have a duty to this town Caroline, but I have more of a duty to you – and I've neglected that for too long. I haven't been the best mother to you, and I'm sorry for that. Maybe if I'd been around more you'd have felt like you could talk to me, and I could have been someone for you to lean on when you needed it..."

The words _and then you wouldn't have wanted to kill yourself _were implied but left unsaid.

Bonnie spoke up, "That's … actually a really good idea. If Elena agrees it could be the best thing for all of us, but ..."

"But what?" Caroline asked.

"But I don't think she will agree. As much as I hate to say it, Elena without emotions is basically Katherine. You haven't been around for the last few days, Care, but she's been … she's playing Stefan and Damon off against each other and saying some really hurtful things, she's manipulative and sneaky and self-centred. I can't really see our friend in her at all right now. Did you know Damon tried to get her to switch her emotions back on?"

"No! When was this?" she asked, shocked.

"A few days ago. I think he finally realised it was a mistake for her to turn them off, with how she was acting, and asked her to turn them back on. She basically said 'No thanks' and then laughed and said without her emotions she must not be feeling the sire bond anymore – because it's based on feelings. Then she told Stefan he should be happy about that, because now she could go back to having both of them around her all the time."

"_What_?"

"I don't think she's planning to turn them back on, Care. Ever."

"Is that even possible? To keep them off I mean? I thought the switch stops working when you get past a certain age?"

"I honestly don't know. I've been looking through my grimoires but there isn't a lot of vampire lore in there, and it's not like we could ask one of the Originals, even though they are the ones most likely to know."

Liz broke in, "Not to be blunt, but … can either of you actually help her with this? If Stefan and Damon can't, when they've been vampires for a hundred and fifty years, do you think you can? I know you both love her, but Caroline, my priority is _you._ I really think leaving is the best thing you can do now, and Bonnie, from what you've said it sounds like you need this too. If Elena won't go, she won't go, and you'll have tried."

Bonnie and Caroline exchanged a look, not wanting to admit that she was right but both knowing she was.

"What do you say then, Care? Road trip?" Bonnie smiled at her softly.

"Okay. Sounds like a plan." She smiled back, and turned to her mother. "Will you come visit us sometimes? I know you don't like to take time off work, but if we leave I don't think I'll ever want to come back, and I don't want to never see you again ..."

"At least two or three times a year. I promise. I do get vacation days, you know. If you settle down somewhere, who knows? I might even move out with you, but for now I need to be here to protect the town, and I think you need to do this, so you know you _can_." she said, seriously. "You'll call me every few days though? And email me to tell me what you've been doing, and to let me know that you're safe?"

"Of course, as long as you call me too. Hey, maybe you could even get skype and we can video chat!"

Bonnie giggled and Liz looked amused.

"I'll look into it sweetie, I promise. Now, I've taken the week off work, and Bonnie has volunteered her Grams basement as a hideaway for the three of us. What do you say we have a girly week of movies and junk food, like when you were small and had sleepovers with the girls? We can talk about all the places you could go on your road trip, play board games, and have some relaxing fun for a change."

Her smile turned mischievous. "I'm sure Bonnie's stocked up with things to make cocktails too, and I will turn a blind eye to the underage drinking just this once. So, what do you think?"

Caroline saw her Mom and her best friend looking at her hopefully, and felt warmed by their obvious love and concern.

"I think that sounds perfect." she smiled.


	4. Be yourself, it's all that you can do

I don't own the Vampire Diaries.

This chapter is dedicated to _LightFiction _who is all about the Klaroline! Thanks for your review.

Chapter title from the Audioslave song, 'Be Yourself'.

* * *

"_And even when you've paid enough, been pulled apart or been held up  
With every single memory of the good or bad faces of luck  
don't lose any sleep tonight - I'm sure everything will end up alright."_

Chapter 4 – Be yourself, it's all that you can do

Walking in to the Grill, Caroline grabbed a booth and flagged Matt down.

"Hey Matt! Do you have a few minutes to talk?"

"Um, not right now, Care, but …" he glanced at his watch, "My break is in twenty minutes, if you want to wait?"

"Sure." She smiled. "I'll wait."

"Everything okay with you? Haven't seen you around in a while."

"Everything's fine, I just have some news, that's all."

"Alright, I'll be over in a bit. Can I get you anything while you wait?"

"Some fries and a strawberry milkshake?"

He grinned. "Coming right up."

He went to put her order in and she gazed around the grill, eyes skittering past the spot where her mother shot Jeremy, and Alaric's usual stool at the bar. She sighed, wondering if it ever got easier.

She noticed Rebekah holed up in a corner booth with a half-empty pitcher in front of her. From the look of her it wasn't her first. Clearly drowning her sorrows, her eyes following Matt as he took orders back and forth with a longing expression. Not for the first time, Caroline saw herself in the girl, and wondered if they would have been friends, if things were different.

She considered one of the conversations she and Bonnie had had, (admittedly after a few glasses of a truly brutal concoction Bonnie had made, involving schnapps, whiskey sours and a couple of fruit liqueurs) about new starts and second chances, and Bonnie's amused description of Caroline's 'wounded bird' syndrome. _"Honestly, only you would look at Klaus and see 'damaged' rather than 'extremely terrifying and sociopathic'"_ she had sputtered out between giggles.

She smiled at the thought of the past week – it had been so amazing getting to spend so much time with Bonnie, and the two girls were really close again. She had also loved spending a whole week with her Mom, who true to her word had stayed off work and even turned her phone off for the whole week, only leaving briefly to run out for more food and drinks, and blood bags for Caroline. She felt like they were in such a good place now and she was a little sad about leaving her, but on the whole she was really looking forward to a new adventure. _Hmm, that was a thought._

She tipped her head to one side, regarding Rebekah in silent consideration. She rolled her eyes mentally – Bonnie was so _right _about the wounded bird syndrome, but … "Well, we did say it would be a completely fresh start ..." she murmured under her breath. "Oh, what the hell, it couldn't hurt." She got up and made her way over to Rebekah's booth.

The Original vampire regarded her warily for a moment before rolling her eyes.

"I don't find you nearly as distracting as my brother does, so you might as well save your breath." she bit out, slurring slightly.

"Hello to you too, Rebekah. May I sit? Thanks." Without waiting for a reply, she dropped down into the seat opposite the blonde and began to tap her fingers in rhythm against the tabletop.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Can I stop you?"

"Why was getting the cure so important to you?"

Rebekah shot her a look at that. "Caroline," she drawled, "It may have escaped your attention, but we aren't exactly friends, so you'll excuse me if I don't jump at the chance for a heart to heart."

"I didn't mean to be so blunt," except _yeah, she did_, "but I was curious why you don't want to be a vampire anymore. You've been one so long, and you must have seen a lot – the best and worst of life, I'd imagine – but you want to be human. Your brother asked me if I would have taken it, and I couldn't answer, because I'm not sure, really. I'm mostly happy as a vampire, and I don't miss the girl I was as a human … I guess what I'm saying is, I see a lot of similarities between us and I was curious." she rambled, and Rebekah softened slightly.

"I wanted a normal life … a normal human experience. That was what settling down here was supposed to be about, originally. Getting to _live,_ go to high school, go to dances, fall in love with someone who would treat me well." Her eyes found Matt again, before she focused, and snapped out, "I'm surprised Elena didn't tell you and your witchy friend all about it, after she stabbed me in the back. Literally."

"Taking Elena out of it, you seemed to hate me straight away – why?" she was genuinely curious about that one.

"You had what I wanted. Friends, popularity, a life here despite what you are. I only had my brother, who shut me in a box for almost a century, and in that time the man I believed I was in love with had fallen in love with someone else. I was jealous, simple as that."

She looked surprised at what she'd admitted, and considered that maybe she had drunk slightly more than was wise. It seemed Caroline was easy to talk to at any rate.

"Why have you stayed in Mystic Falls? You aren't speaking to Klaus, and, again, not to be blunt, but you don't have any real ties here. Elijah left, so why did you stay?" her tone told Rebekah that she wasn't asking to be malicious, she was just curious.

"I lived for centuries with just me and my brother Caroline, and despite everything, even though I hate him, he is still the most important person in my life. Besides, where would I go? As you so diplomatically didn't mention, I don't have any friends here, except maybe Stefan, and I lost touch with everyone else I knew from the twenties when I was daggered. Even if I got back in touch with them, they weren't what you would consider friends. I was on the run for hundreds of years – that doesn't exactly lend itself to forming close friendships."

Caroline considered that for a moment. She found that, in spite of everything, she really felt for Rebekah. A thousand years of betrayals could make anyone a little difficult.

"I'm leaving town," she blurted.

Rebekah looked mildly bemused. "Why are you telling _me_ this?"

"Because tomorrow, Bonnie and I are getting in the car with a ridiculous amount of junk food, girly music, and a map, and leaving this town and all it's drama behind. We're going to have a cliche, fun, great American road trip. A real human experience." she smiled.

"At the risk of repeating myself, why are you telling _me_ this?"

"Do you want to come?"

Rebekah's mouth fell open and she just looked at Caroline, waiting for the other blonde to laugh and tell her she was joking. The words didn't come, and she was saved from replying by Matt heading over to their table with Caroline's order.

"Sorry for the wait, Care. I'll be another five minutes then I'll be with you. Everything okay here?"

Both girls nodded, and he headed back to the bar, shooting Caroline a curious look.

"Are you joking?" Rebekah asked flatly. "You are a lot of things Caroline, but I didn't think you were spiteful."

"I'm not joking. I told you, I'm leaving town, and I'd like to have as few enemies left behind as possible when I do. I can't stay here with everything that's happened. There are too many bad memories and I need a fresh start." She looked her in the eyes, picking her words carefully, "There is no cure anymore Rebekah. We could conceivably live forever, especially you. Wouldn't you prefer to do that as friends rather than enemies?"

"That doesn't explain why you would ask me to come with you though." Rebekah stated, confused.

"Look," Caroline sighed "You want a human experience? Well, that's what this is. We are just going to drive to random places and when we find somewhere we like we'll stop and make a life there for a few years, maybe go to college or something. Leave the drama behind and just _live._ At least as much as we _can_ you know? I don't hate you. I understand where you're coming from, more than I probably should. I will warn you that we are asking Elena, but ... well ... Bonnie is fairly sure she won't come." She looked disgusted for a second, "It's not like she can play with the Salvatore brothers from the road after all."

Rebekah's raised an elegant eyebrow but didn't comment. Caroline noticed Matt waving her over and assumed he didn't want to spend unnecessary time with Rebekah. Ah, awkward.

"I won't beg you to come or anything, but I will say this – if you want to leave and have a completely fresh start, you are welcome to come with us. If you turn up, it means a clean slate – on both sides. There will be room in the car for one suitcase and maybe a medium-ish bag, so you would need to pack light. We're leaving from my house at ten am, and once we've gone, we probably won't be coming back, so I'd suggest you say your goodbyes today if you decide to come. Think about it."

Crossing the room to talk to Matt, she left Rebekah alone with her thoughts.

Matt was surprisingly understanding and agreed to keep in touch. He said he'd come round and see them off in the morning and maybe visit them in a few months when they settled somewhere. He declined her invitation to join them, saying he wanted to stay in Mystic Falls and keep an eye on Elena, at least for a while. Caroline wanted to talk to him about his misplaced guilt, but knew it was pointless (and a little hypocritical given her own emotional state) so she kept her silence, for once.

After a teary hug and promises to see each other in the morning, she left the Grill, knowing she had many more stops to make that day, and wanting to get the next one over with.

* * *

Pulling up to the mansion, Caroline took a deep breath and tried not to second guess herself. If she was really doing this, leaving, it was important that she made him understand. She wasn't running from him. She wasn't running _to_ Tyler. She wasn't running at all. She didn't want him to follow her, and she was fairly sure that if he believed any of those three things were true she'd end up like Katherine – looking over her shoulder for five centuries – and she didn't want that. She just wanted a chance to start over without all the memories associated with the past few years in Mystic Falls. A few more deep breaths and she was as ready as she was going to get.

"Get it together, Forbes," she murmured "You got this." Before she could change her mind she jumped out of her car and strode to the door, ringing the door bell and listening to the chime echo through the house. Seconds later the door opened to reveal a confused, rumpled-looking Klaus.

"Caroline? What –"

"Can I come in?" she said softly, meeting his eyes briefly.

He stepped aside wordlessly and she smiled slightly and walked in. Almost absently, she walked over to the nearest couch and sat down. She was silent, collecting her thoughts. Klaus watched her, more than a little confused as to the reason for her visit but happy to let her take her time.

"For the past three years, my life, this _town_, has been filled with drama, pain, and too damn many goodbyes."

Klaus cut in, immediately on the defensive, "If this is going to be a lecture about your precious _Tyler_ – "

"It's not. Please, just let me get this out. I've lost, we've _all _lost, so many people – and that began long before you turned up by the way – and I'm starting to feel like Mystic Falls is just too full of bad memories. Recent events were just the last straw, you know? I don't know how much more I'm expected to take and keep going. I can't even walk through the square without being reminded of someone that's gone or something that happened, I – " she sobbed and her eyes glimmered with tears she refused to let fall. It should have been easier to explain, after having been through this already with her Mom and Bonnie. She took a deep breath and continued, quieter than before. "I feel like the walls are closing in on me."

"Caroline –" he made as if to reach for her but she held up a hand to stop him.

"Please don't." There was no venom in her tone, just a weary plea. That alone gave him pause. What the hell was going on? "If you're nice to me, I'll start to cry, and then I'll never get this out." He reluctantly sat back, looking so nervous at the prospect of her tears that it almost brought a smile to her lips.

"I've decided I can't live here anymore. My mom thinks that leaving is the best thing for me right now. Bonnie's going to come with me." She considered mentioning Rebekah, but she didn't know what her decision would be and didn't think it was her place to tell her brother. She could say her own goodbyes if she chose to, she reasoned.

"Not Elena?" he said, curiously.

She frowned. "I'm not sure yet. Bonnie's asking her, but Elena … it's complicated. She may be staying here with the Salvatore's. They'll look after her. They always do. I can't help her, she won't let me. I tried. Staying here, though? It's killing me, bit by bit."

He thought that over and wanted to believe she was genuine, but the jealous little voice in the back of his head prompted him to ask, "So you're running to Tyler, I take it? Just because you're with him doesn't mean I won't follow through on my promise, love. He's living on borrowed time already."

"You think I don't already know that?" she huffed. "Believe me, I am very aware of your intention to kill Tyler, and as much as I wish you would reconsider, I know that you won't. If I thought, even for a second, that begging for his life would change your mind I would be doing it, but I know it won't make any difference and as selfish as it sounds, I need to look after myself now. And I can't watch you kill him. So, no. I'm not running to Tyler. I don't even know where he is, and he isn't returning my calls. I still love him, but I'm … messed up in the head about him and us and everything that happened at the Gilbert house so I just can't deal with that right now. The point of leaving is to _escape_ the drama."

"So why are you here then, if not to ask me to spare his life?"

"I tried that, remember? I'm just here to say goodbye. I wanted to say goodbye, and I wanted you to know that I'm not leaving because of you, I just have to get away from here before I lose my mind." She stood up and walked to the door, hesitated, and looked back over her shoulder, biting her lip.

"I also wanted to thank you." she said.

"You wanted to _thank_ me? What _for_?" he burst out, shocked. He sped over to stand in front of her, looking into her eyes as if he'd find his answers there.

She lifted a shoulder in an elegantly dismissive gesture, "You saved my life. Again. That's four times now. Granted, two of the times it wouldn't have _needed _saving if it wasn't for you, but still, you saved my life and you healed me when you didn't have to, so, thank you." She pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek and made to leave. He grabbed her hand and gently pulled her back.

"You're really leaving with Bonnie? Not Tyler? And you came to say goodbye to me? Even though I nearly killed you? _Twice_?" his tone expressed his confusion and disbelief, and she giggled a little at his perplexed expression.

"Yes. You know me, I'm a 'tie the loose ends' kind of girl. I can't leave things undone. I didn't want to just, like, leave in the middle of the night, you know? I needed to say goodbye properly to everyone."

"To _me, _though?" he said, doubtfully.

In a tired voice, Caroline sighed out "I said what I came to say, Klaus. It's up to you what you make of it." He looked at her then, really looked. He could see the toll the last few weeks of emotional upheaval had taken on her. She was lacking her usual spark, the light that he had so admired was dimmed and he was taken aback that he hadn't noticed just how much she had clearly been suffering.

"Do you have a destination in mind?" he queried gently.

"Not really. We're going to road trip it for a while. If we find somewhere we want to stay, we'll stop I guess."

He looked at her for a second, debating with himself. Then he crossed to the hall table and grabbed a pen and notepad, scribbling something down. "This is my emergency number. If anything happens, if you ever have need of me, or need help, you will always be able to reach me. Take it." He put it in her hand and curled her fingers around it, gripping her other hand in his. She took the paper, looking at him in surprise, folded it and put it in her pocket. "Stay safe, Caroline. For the record, I'm sorry for my part in your pain."

"I know." she squeezed the hand that still gripped hers. "For the record, I'm sorry about my part in yours. And ... Klaus? I'm sorry about Kol, truly. I can't imagine how it would feel to lose your brother. Nobody deserves to lose someone they love, no matter what they've done." He took a second to absorb that.

"I hope that leaving helps you to be happy again." He met her eyes and smiled his dimpled smile. "I hope we meet again someday, Caroline."

Damn those dimples. She smiled back. "We have forever ahead of us, you never know. Maybe someday."

"Maybe someday, then. Goodbye Caroline."

"Goodbye." With a final sad smile she left, crossing the short distance to her car without looking back.

She felt his eyes on her as she drove away.


	5. This town is colder now

I don't own the Vampire Diaries.

This chapter is dedicated to_ evans 4 life. _Thanks for the review.

Chapter title from the OneRepublic song, 'Stop and stare'.

* * *

"_I've got my heart set, on anywhere but here."_

Chapter 5 – This town is colder now

"You're really leaving?" Stefan looked stunned, then without a word, sped from the boarding house. The silence following the slam of the front door was absolute, until Elena turned to Damon, looking irritated.

"I don't understand why he's so upset. It's not like Caroline matters to him, really." Neither Damon or Caroline missed the jealous undertone to her words. Damon looked hurt while Caroline was just resigned. "If anyone has a right to be upset it's me. You and Bonnie are both just leaving me? Some friends you turned out to be. I can't believe you're both being so selfish."

"I know Bonnie already spoke to you. I also know she asked you to come with us! What's keeping you here, Elena? It might be easier to switch your emotions back on somewhere without all the memories that Mystic Falls has for you."

"I am _never _turning them back on Caroline. I feel free now, like I never did before. You and Bonnie can leave, do what you want, you will anyway. Just know this, if you leave, I will hate you _forever _and I will _never_ forgive you."

Caroline shivered at the lack of emotion on Elena's face.

She'd only been there a minute before Elena had started shrieking about betrayal and she honestly wasn't sure why she was still there. She'd tried explaining what happened with Klaus, how she'd felt lost since Tyler left, and how she couldn't stick around and lose anyone else, but nothing seemed to help and then Damon had started shouting at her for '_upsetting Elena'. _

She, perhaps unwisely, pointed out that it required emotion to be upset, and all hell broke loose.

* * *

With her feelings all over the place, Caroline wasn't ready to face her next stop just yet, so she just drove. She drove around Mystic Falls, committing everything to memory and thinking. An hour later she felt ready and pulled up at the cemetery. She grabbed her purse and a bag from her passenger seat and made her way towards the Forbes plot.

Damon had seen her pull up and let his curiosity get the better of him. He'd gone hunting to blow off steam after their earlier confrontation at the boarding house and was undecided about whether he wanted a rematch just yet, so he didn't approach her, sticking to the tree line where he could watch and listen without being seen. It wasn't hard for him to spy on a baby vamp after all.

She picked her way through the cemetery until she stood before the dark grey headstone, declaring the legend _'Bill Forbes. Beloved Father.' _

"Hi, Daddy." she said, sinking down on the grass and making herself comfortable. "It's been a while."

She gazed into space for a few moments, deciding where to start. "A lot has happened since my last visit, most of it bad. Elena's a vampire now. Jeremy _died_. Katherine raised an immortal shape shifter called Silas who tried to get Bonnie to cause an _apocalypse_. We stopped it, but it was a close thing. Carol Lockwood's dead. Tyler's _gone_. He left me, Daddy. He had to run from Klaus, and I do understand that, but … he just left me. Again. He didn't suggest me going with him, even. I don't know if I would have, at the time, but he never even _asked._ We're supposed to love each other. I loved him. I mean I love him. I mean … I don't know what I mean."

She was silent for a few seconds, before whispering "I feel so lost. Every day I wake up and it's been a little bit harder to keep going, you know? To stay strong for everyone else. I tried really hard to be strong like you taught me, to keep a smile on my face and try my best, but … I can't do it anymore. Just being here is too hard. I know that I already disappointed you so much, just by being what I am, and not being able to fight it like you wanted me to. Giving up now and leaving probably doesn't even register on the disappointing-daughter scale, but I still feel guilty."

"I feel guilty all the time. For still being alive – or, the alive-kind-of-dead anyway. For not being able to fix everything. For not being able to help Elena – she hates me now, you know. Stefan said it's just the enhanced emotions, but I think it's more than that. We started disagreeing about things a while before she even turned. Mostly I feel guilty about wanting to leave, but I seriously think I have to. Mom and Bonnie are being amazing though, and Bonnie's coming with me. I'm not running away, not really. I'd have to leave soon anyway, people would notice that I'm not ageing. Ugh, everything I say sounds like an excuse. I just came to say goodbye. I love you and I miss you, even after everything. I hope one day I'll make you proud of me again."

She pushed herself off the ground, rested gently against the headstone for a moment and then collected her bag. She left a ribbon-tied posy of flowers on her father's grave before turning to pick her way through the neat rows of headstones. She paused to lay a flower on Vicki and Andie's graves as she passed with a whispered, _"I'm sorry." _to each. She paused slightly longer at Jenna's soft-grey headstone, laying a tentative hand on the smooth marble.

"I can't tell you how sorry I am, Jenna – I feel like you should hold me responsible in some way, like I should have been the one who was sacrificed instead. I hope you found peace. I truly am sorry."

Gathering herself. She left the Gilbert family plot and moved on, heading to the dark squat headstone at the back. She sat on a bench facing the stone, unknowingly mimicking Damon's position from the night of the memorial and unaware that the vampire in question was keeping a wary eye on her from the cover of the trees.

"Hi, Ric." she sighed, twisting her hands in her lap.

"I'd have brought flowers but I figured you'd prefer bourbon."

She sat staring at the headstone for a few more minutes, emotions playing over her face far too quickly for Damon to register them all. Watching the tears track down her face as she sat in silence he began to feel uncomfortable, as if he were an unwilling spectator to her private grief. When she finally spoke he started in surprise.

"I've been struggling to figure out how I feel about your death. I hated you, you know. When I found out you were responsible for my Dad dying? I tried so hard to separate evil-you from normal-you, to make sense of it. I have to say, it really didn't help when your evil alter ego trapped me in the school and tortured me."

She tilted her head, considering.

"I loved you, too, though. That's what makes it so hard. How can I care about the man who killed my father and tortured me? Now when I think of you I try to only remember you as Elena's guardian, Damon's best friend, my goofy history teacher, my _friend._ If there is a heaven, I hope you ended up there. That you and Jenna and Jeremy are together and happy, and that you all found peace. I know Elena, and especially Damon, miss you, though they don't talk about it. In a way I hope you _aren't_ watching over us because you probably want to smack some sense into the pair of them..." she trailed off, muttering too low for Damon to hear.

"It sounds selfish, and I know that's what it looks like, but I need to leave because staying here is literally killing me. I can't help anyone, as much as I want to, so leaving … it's the right thing. For me, it's the right thing."

She was quiet, and when she spoke again it was in a hoarse whisper that even Damon's vampire hearing struggled to catch.

"They hate me now, Elena and Damon. Maybe Stefan too, I don't know. And that hurts, Ric. Because I only tried to help, I only ever tried to help, and after everything we've been through and fought through and _faced, _I really thought our friendship could survive anything. Guess not. I don't hate Damon despite our history, and now he hates me, _just _for Elena's sake? He truly loves her without reason, and I worry for him because of it."

Her voice grew harder, and he saw her head straighten and her jaw tense "- and _Elena!_ Ric, you would be _ashamed _of how she's been acting. I get that her emotions are off, but that affects how you feel, not who you are. She's like, the anti-Elena right now. She's deliberately hurtful and manipulative and … cruel. She's tormenting the Salvatore's and she's not even remotely apologetic about it. I loved her like a sister but she isn't my sister anymore. She told me if I leave, she'll hate me forever and she'll never forgive me … but even as she said it, her eyes were … empty. How can you _hate_ without emotion?"

She broke down, a quiet storm of tears and pain – watching her, Damon felt an ache he couldn't explain, even as her words were echoing through his head. They had never discussed what had happened between them when his emotions were off, he had just assumed she would never forgive him – and he was _Damon Salvatore. _He never apologised to anyone – even though he did feel a teeny tiny amount of regret for how he treated her.

He thought over the last few months as she calmed herself and had to admit that she'd had an awful lot to deal with and judging from the argument in the boarding house there was more he didn't even know about. The thought of her, bitten and left to Klaus' questionable mercies made him all kinds of uneasy, and he was pissed off at both hybrids involved.

Barbie did have a knack for getting caught up in the middle of other people's disputes though; her most recent spot in the middle of a hybrid pissing contest was just the latest in a long line of traumatic experiences for the young blonde. Something about her just screamed 'collateral damage'. When he considered everything he couldn't really blame her for wanting to get the hell out of Mystic Falls, and only wondered why she hadn't left a long time ago. She was also right that he was only angry on Elena's behalf, knowing that when (or _if_) she turned her emotions back on she would feel abandoned and betrayed by Bonnie and Caroline and he'd have to pick up the pieces. Maybe he shouldn't have called her selfish – she'd done a lot for all of them and only been hurt because of it – and he probably shouldn't have called her useless either.

Caroline, oblivious to Damon's introspection, had calmed down, straightening up and wiping her eyes.

"Caroline Forbes, you are stronger than this. Get a grip." she murmured, and pulled a full bottle of bourbon from her bag to place on the headstone. She traced the carved letters of his name absently with her fingertip as she gathered her thoughts.

"I have a few more stops on the farewell tour yet ..." she sighed a final deep sigh and with a mumbled "'Bye Ric." she gathered her stuff and headed for her car, leaving Damon alone with his thoughts.

He was feeling more than a little uneasy about having listened in on her private goodbyes, and decided to head for the Grill, because he _really _needed a drink.

* * *

The sound of her window opening woke Caroline, and she sat up in bed to see a familiar vampire climbing in her window. "Stefan?" she asked, her tone questioning as she rubbed her eyes to dispel the sleepiness. "What are you doing here?"

He sat at her dresser, pulling out the chair and turning to face her. He looked hurt and a little lost, and she felt instantly guilty. "Needed to talk to you." he replied, a little shortly.

A thought occurred to her. "You have a key, Stefan. Why the window?"

"Didn't want to wake your mother – and I didn't know if I was still welcome here if you were leaving. I know Liz only let me stay in the first place because of you."

"No, she let you stay because she likes you, and for your information, _McBroody_, I already checked and you're still okay to stay here if you want to – which you would know if you had let me explain before you walked out at the boarding house."

She tried not to show how hurt she'd been by that but judging by his softening expression she wasn't entirely successful.

"You could leave with us," she stated softly, not looking at him, "Staying here will only hurt you – what's keeping you here?"

Stefan was silent while he thought about her question. Though it made her slightly nervous, it was one of the things she appreciated about Stefan, and one of the reasons why she considered him her best friend. He truly listened to her, and weighed her opinion as if it mattered to him. His deep sigh broke the silence and she finally looked up, meeting his eyes. For Stefan's part, he was staring at her as if she had the answers he needed.

"I can't. My brother … "

They both knew that, while that was true, it wasn't the _whole_ truth, and there was an Elena-shaped elephant in the room. Hesitantly, because though she was blunt she tried not to be needlessly cruel, she asked, "Do you really think she'll choose, Stef? Even now?" She took a deep breath and decided to just say what she really thought, for once, about the whole messed-up situation.

"She picked you when she was human, I get it – and that _broke _your brother. You know that." She held up a hand when he started to protest, and he subsided, allowing her to continue, though he was uneasy at the turn the conversation had taken.

"But he didn't leave … and she turned, on his blood. She said herself, the sire bond didn't _create _feelings, just increased what was already there. She chose you, yes, but she was still in love with your brother, and what's more, she knew it."

She bit her lip, knowing what she said next would be painful to hear and wondering if it made her a bad friend. "Then, Damon made her switch her emotions off, which was clearly an epic mistake however you look at it, and she went right back to playing with the both of you." she huffed, "At least Katherine was honest about it, but Elena always held herself as above all that."

She saw that his eyes were distant and moved to sit at the end of her bed, taking both his hands in her smaller ones.

"You deserve better than this Stefan. Even Damon, damaged as he is, deserves better. You are my best friend and I love you like the big brother I never had – you deserve someone who will love you completely, and only love _you._" She looked into his eyes, hoping he saw how seriously she meant what she was saying. "I know you want a better relationship with your brother, but I genuinely think the only way that will happen is if you _both_ stay away from doppelgängers _completely_."

She let go of his hands and moved back slightly, waving her hand at him. "Okay, now you can talk."

He had to smile at that, and seeing his lips curve Caroline felt a little better about her impromptu speech.

"I love you too, Care. You know that. You may be right, but if there's even a small chance that I can help Elena, I have to be here, even if it's hard. I'm sorry I ran out earlier, I just couldn't believe you would do that to us. It was a shock." She flinched at that and he rushed to fill the awkward silence. "I bumped into your mother and she set me straight about a few things."

She looked up surprised at that. "How'd you mean?"

He smiled ruefully. "She lectured me about not caring about you – about how much you were hurting and how much pressure you'd been under. Then she suggested that if I was any kind of friend to you I'd be supportive because this is what you need and what you want. She's right. I'm sorry I needed her to tell me before I realised it. Just promise me you won't disappear? You'll keep in touch? Forever is a long time, and I need my best friend. I'll miss you."

Caroline had been blushing since he mentioned her mother, though she was touched that her Mom had done that for her. Her eyes filled and she tackled him in a hug. He chuckled at her reaction and hugged her back tightly.

"I take it you promise then?"

"Obviously." she sniffed. "I need my best friend too."

"Then we don't have a problem. Now, if you're planning on leaving tomorrow, you should probably get some sleep." He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear affectionately and stepped back. "I'll leave you to it."

"Aren't you staying here?"

"I'm not tired, and I was going to go hunt."

"Those poor bunnies." She smirked, before asking, "Will you at least come see us off tomorrow? We're leaving at ten, and Matt and my Mom will be here a bit before that."

"Of course," he promised, "Now get some sleep!"

"Yes, _Dad_." She snickered and he glared at her, which only made her laugh harder.

"Night, Stef."

"Night, Care."

With a last smile, he climbed out her window and disappeared into the shadows. She settled back on her pillows, reassured that he, at least, didn't hate her. She closed her eyes and drifted into a dreamless sleep.


End file.
